I'll Save You Derek Rawling, Whoever You Are

Who could've written this?

Buying used toys is always filled with surprises. You get home and realize your GI Joe has a loose band, or your Ghostbusters figure has a broken pack, or your wife thinks you’re an asshole. Just when I thought I’d seen it all, I was greeted with a new surprise when I opened the Landspeeder I just bought. And that "surprise" is apparently named Derek.

Now, I’m no private eye, but I’m guessing this is the work of someone named Derek Rawling. And if my powers of deduction are any good (which they aren’t), that only means one of two things:
1.) This used to be Derek Rawling's Landspeeder, and his mom gave it away.
2.) Somebody kidnapped Derek Rawling, and this is the only way he’s able to call for help.

If it's scenario 2, I’m hoping Derek’s captors take a moment to explain the importance of keeping your vintage toys in good condition. Maybe they'll give him a lesson in proper toy maintenance once his Stockholm syndrome kicks in.

A little of my wife’s nail polish remover wiped away Derek’s name from the Landspeeder, but it’s going to take a lot more than that to wipe away the image of him bound and gagged, chained to a radiator in somebody’s basement. Maybe his kidnappers wrote their ransom note on the bottom of a Kenner Death Star Playset. I better go buy one just to make sure...